Oral Arguments at the Virginia Sex Court

Following a proposal for a Virginia ban on oral and anal sex among consenting adults – heterosexual and homosexual alike – radio host Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association spoke out in its behalf. Unwilling to specify what he thought the punishment should be for violating the ban, Fischer did say that speeding and/or parking tickets could be issued to those who do. Having spent time in traffic court watching people challenge those tickets, I thought it might be enlightening to imagine ourselves spending a day in the Virginia Sex Court in the year 2015.

Bailiff: Case #1, the State of Virginia v. Andrews and Cooper.

Judge: Officer, please tell us what happened.

Officer C. Block: Your honor, on the evening of June 14th, the two defendants were found parked in a vehicle at lover’s lane. When I approached the vehicle, I witnessed the two defendants engaged in a “Crimes Against Nature” (“CAN”)-violation and issued them the appropriate citation.

Judge: Andrews and Cooper, what do you have to say for yourselves?

Andrews: Well, sir. Betty and I are home from college for the summer and just started dating.

Cooper: And it was only our second date so . . . . I just didn’t want to go past third base.

Judge: Young lady, don’t you know that third base has been outlawed in the state of Virginia? It is all the way or nothing.

Andrews: Yeah, my older brother has been telling girls that since before the law was re-enacted. But, we didn’t have any birth control so I didn’t bring that up.

Judge: No birth control!! Do you think that’s an excuse? Why, there’s birth control with no co-pay available under the health care . . . . [The judge’s clerk interrupts the Judge. They have a whispered conversation.] Oh, well, I’ve just been informed that the House of Representatives has finally succeeded in over-turning that law, and apparently they’ve managed to close all the Planned Parenthoods as well. You’ll just have to risk it like we had to in my day . . . you’ll be fine. My wife and I have been very happy and we became engaged under similar circumstances. Next case.

Bailiff: Case #2: the State v. Taylor and Burton

Officer N. O’Joy: On June 7th, I was rescuing a cat from a tree in the backyard of 700 Marital Bliss Ave. when I noticed the defendants engaging in a CAN-violation in their hot tub.

Judge: And what is your defense?

Wife: Your Honor, we’ve been married for 25 years. Our whole family had been visiting all week for our youngest’s high school graduation and we finally had the house to ourselves and just wanted some alone time.

Husband: We planned to go all the way, your honor. We swear it. It was just foreplay. It didn’t mean anything. If the officer had shown up just a few seconds later . . . .

Wife: A few seconds????

Husband: A few minutes later, we would’ve been in full compliance.

Wife: Did we mention we’ve been married for 25 years?

Judge: You know, I’m thinking about issuing you a second citation for wasting our time here. The two of you are trying to worm your way out of a ticket because you’re married? What kind of ridiculous excuse is that? The State of Virginia does not care about marriage. [The clerk interrupts the Judge again.] Oh, yeah, sorry about that. We do care about some marriages, but not yours. And fore play? Please. We all know that that was some myth the feminists cooked up. Next case.

Bailiff: Case #3: the State v. Harris and John

Officer B. Adromance: Your honor, the two defendants – both men -- were found in the honeymoon suite of the Sweet Heart Inn. We got a tip from the hotel staff that they had spent the entire week violating CAN, sir.

Harris: We were on our honeymoon!!! We had just been married in D.C. and saw a sign that said, “Virginia Is for Lovers” so we decided to celebrate our love here.

John: I can show you the marriage license. Gay marriage is legal in the District of Columbia you know.

Judge: Hold it right there. This law isn’t about whether you are gay or straight. [Judge looks at clerk who nods her agreement and whispers to him “Well, this law isn’t.”] This law is about protecting children. However, because you obviously saw one of our old signs with our former slogan, I’m going to waive the ticket in your case. The new signs will read, “Virginia is for Likers and for Lovers in Limited Circumstances.”