Posted on July 26, 2013 |
Following a proposal for a Virginia ban on oral and anal sex among consenting adults – heterosexual and homosexual alike – radio host Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association spoke out in its behalf. Unwilling to specify what he thought the punishment should be for violating the ban, Fischer did say that speeding and/or parking tickets could be issued to those who do. Having spent time in traffic court watching people challenge those tickets, I thought it might be enlightening to imagine ourselves spending a day in the Virginia Sex Court in the year 2015.
Bailiff: Case #1, the State of Virginia v. Andrews and Cooper.
Judge: Officer, please tell us what happened.
Officer C. Block: Your honor, on the evening of June 14th, the two defendants were found parked in a vehicle at lover’s lane. When I approached the vehicle, I witnessed the two defendants engaged in a “Crimes Against Nature” (“CAN”)-violation and issued them the appropriate citation.
Judge: Andrews and Cooper, what do you have to say for yourselves?
Andrews: Well, sir. Betty and I are home from college for the summer and just started dating.
Cooper: And it was only our second date so . . . . I just didn’t want to go past third base.
Judge: Young lady, don’t you know that third base has been outlawed in the state of Virginia? It is all the way or nothing.
Andrews: Yeah, my older brother has been telling girls that since before the law was re-enacted. But, we didn’t have any birth control so I didn’t bring that up.
Judge: No birth control!! Do you think that’s an excuse? Why, there’s birth control with no co-pay available under the health care . . . . [The judge’s clerk interrupts the Judge. They have a whispered conversation.] Oh, well, I’ve just been informed that the House of Representatives has finally succeeded in over-turning that law, and apparently they’ve managed to close all the Planned Parenthoods as well. You’ll just have to risk it like we had to in my day . . . you’ll be fine. My wife and I have been very happy and we became engaged under similar circumstances. Next case.
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